


Thesis of the Still Heart

by PartridgeOnAPearTree



Series: NSFW Bedi-tober Challenge [14]
Category: Fate/Grand Order, Fate/stay night & Related Fandoms
Genre: Crying, F/M, M/M, Merlin Alter?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-24
Updated: 2020-10-24
Packaged: 2021-03-09 00:29:13
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,064
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27175231
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PartridgeOnAPearTree/pseuds/PartridgeOnAPearTree
Summary: NSFW Bedi-tober Day 14: CryingMerlin gets teamed up with Kiara Sessyoin once, and once is all it took. She opens him up to new perspectives. Bedivere worries.
Relationships: Bedivere | Saber/Merlin | Caster, Merlin | Caster/Sessyoin Kiara
Series: NSFW Bedi-tober Challenge [14]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1952083
Comments: 4
Kudos: 14





	Thesis of the Still Heart

**Author's Note:**

> i often think about how merlin's profile mentions his independent manifestation skill and goes out of its way to give the beast class a nod. like, why is this necessary? i crave beast merlin bro :(
> 
> (with this entry, i officially reached 50k words for the month of october. im happy)

It’s quite unconventional, but Master has once decided to put Merlin and the woman called Kiara Sessyoin in one team.

And once was all it took.

\--

“You're an incubus, aren’t you?”

That is Kiara Sessyoin’s greeting to him. She has a small smile on her face as she stares straight at him. Merlin oddly feels like he was being probed by those eyes, so he diverts his attention to something else. Anywhere but her eyes is fine. So he chooses his feet where he can also see his blooming illusory flowers nearby.

“Yup, that’s correct.”

“So I read.” Her voice is melodic. “I liked reading various stories as a child. I mostly read fairy tales, but I also read legends. Merlin, King Arthur’s mentor, is an incubus. Such an interesting fact.”

Merlin chuckles. “Is it that interesting?”

She chuckles, too. She demurely covers her mouth with a hand as she does. “I thought it was interesting. After all… Aren’t you a little too human for an incubus?”

Before Merlin could reply, Master already called them. Kiara hops off from where they sit, her every move graceful.

Merlin just follows suit.

\--

That night, Merlin has a bizarre dream.

He quickly realizes that he's witnessing Arturia’s final moments. She was sitting under a tree, wounded and looking like she might drift off to sleep anytime soon and never wake up. Bedivere was right beside her with tears on his eyes, the holy sword Excalibur cradled to his chest.

Merlin cannot hear what they're saying, but he knows what should be said here.

“Bedivere, throw my sword into the lake.”

“It shall be done, my king.”

Or something like that.

Merlin knows that Bedivere has to fail the order first, but probably because this is a dream, Bedivere goes straight to the lake. He throws the sword with all his might. Despite how powerful, determined, and firm the motion was, his crying still hasn’t ceased. When the sword left his hand, he immediately looked regretful.

And even if it was the sword that got thrown, it was Merlin who was all of a sudden submerged in water.

He instinctively closes his eyes. He feels plants sticking to his legs, and his already thick and heavily accessorized outfit start to feel significantly heavier. Even if he opens his eyes, he knows it’s quite dark in here, being located in a relatively hidden part of the forest. Trees also surround the lake, obscuring it further.

When he opens his eyes, his breath escapes him.

There was Kiara Sessyoin in front of him, right here with him in the water. He has never seen her hair before because she has always hidden it inside her veil, but in this dream, she had long curly black hair. So, so long that it covered the lake. What he believed were plants snaking around his legs was actually her hair.

She had the same smile that she always wore. Merlin didn’t know what to read from it.

She places a finger on her lips, and her smile turns mischievous. The parts of her hair that were clinging to his limbs pull him closer to her. Only then does he notice that her body was completely bare, and when he looks down on himself, his body was suddenly the same way. He felt just as exposed as he did when she stared straight at him during his waking life.

As their lips and chests touch, he wakes up.

He wakes up in Avalon alone and dry, but the feeling of her hair around his legs lingers.

\--

Merlin definitely didn’t do it on purpose.

But he was walking in the halls of Chaldea, and Kiara Sessyoin happened to be there. She smiles at him like the usual. He really didn’t mean to stop walking—he was going somewhere, after all. But at that moment, he forgot where he was heading. When their eyes met, his brain started to feel light.

“Oh, good day to you.” She greets, ever so graceful. She even lightly bows her head politely. “Are you heading to the cafeteria?”

When she mentioned the cafeteria, he finally remembered that that was his original destination. Right now, though, it felt wrong to say that he was going there for some reason. “I was just taking a walk.”

“A walk?” She repeats, raising an eyebrow. “In the drab corridors of Chaldea? What is there to see in here? Mhm… Actually, that’s not right… I have heard of your clairvoyance. You don’t really need to take walks to see anything, do you? What is the point, then?”

Merlin chuckles. “Clairvoyance still uses mana, you know. I do have that ability, but it doesn’t mean that I have to use it all the time.”

“Mmm. But still, it’s a quite useful ability, isn’t it? So you can check now what they're currently preparing in the cafeteria even if we’re here?”

“Yup, that’s correct.”

“Well, what business did you have in the cafeteria? Did you want to eat?”

“Hm, not really. I can’t really taste human food, and it doesn’t really sustain me. I just wanted to hang out a bit.”

She giggles, a hand covering her mouth. “Really?”

He chuckles as well. “Is it something so unexpected?”

“It’s not something that I expected to hear from an incubus. I thought that someone like you would be more removed and aloof.”

“Mmm, right, I suppose you're correct.” When he heard her words, his chest felt a bit hot due to a reason that he couldn’t really understand. “Well, it’s not like I planned to converse for too long. I was just going to briefly say hi and disappear right after.”

“Is there value in that?” She hums. “I was actually hoping that the two of us can have a longer conversation.”

“You were?”

“Mmm. But if you prefer to proceed with your brief greetings for the humans in the cafeteria, then I won’t be in your way.”

Kiara Sessyoin gives him a casual wave before turning around and walking away.

He takes a look at the cafeteria with his clairvoyance at that moment. The various versions of Arturia—they even included the King Arthur from another world—are having some eating competition. Bedivere is there with a big smile—that’s something quite rare—holding a makeshift placard that says ‘KING!’

Lancelot is somewhere nearby holding a jug of water, ready to supply water for whoever might ask for it. Gawain is trying to help out Chaldea’s chefs in providing more food for the contest. Tristan is playing his harp. Mordred is laughing at all of them.

Merlin looks one last time at Bedivere’s smile before calling to Kiara Sessyoin who fortunately hasn’t gone too far away. She turns around with a smile.

“Where would you like to talk?”

Her smile widens. “Does my room sound good enough?”

\--

There's nowhere else to sit in Kiara’s room, so Merlin sits on her bed. She has a lot of bookshelves in her room, something he found surprising even if he didn’t really have specific expectations of what should be inside Kiara Sessyoin’s room.

The first thing she does when they get in the room is to prepare some tea for the both of them. She does it quite fast. Merlin surmises that she must do it often if she was able to do it so expertly. She hands him a cup of tea, another in her own hands, as she sits beside him.

“You did mention that you can’t taste human food, but I didn’t know how else to entertain a guest.”

“Ahaha, it’s fine. I'm grateful, nonetheless.” He sips on the tasteless warm liquid. Bedivere and the others love it a lot, but he could never really relate when it comes to matters concerning food… not like he can ever relate to anything human easily anyway. Food just especially stands out, and it’s a splendid way to make him feel his otherness especially since humans love saying that food is a way for them to bond.

Kiara giggles, sipping on her own cup. “There you go again… You're quite polite, aren’t you? Even more so than expected.”

Merlin chuckles. “You’ve been making a lot of comments like this. Something tells me that you don’t have a very good perception of incubi.”

“Oh, no, it’s not that at all. I accept all forms of life, human or not, sentient or not.” She sets down her cup and meets his eyes. He looks away because he feels his brain going light again. “I'm just saying that it’s not what I expect from an incubus. Your response is quite telling, however. How come would it be a ‘not very good’ perception to expect an incubus to act more like one?”

“Mmm, you're right. I suppose it was a bit of a hasty conclusion on my side. I just assumed that you couldn’t possibly have meant anything good with it considering that humans don’t often like what differs from them.”

She lifts an eyebrow. “Are you speaking from experience?”

“Haha, who knows?”

“Well, I don’t see anything wrong with being different.” She scoots closer. She places a hand on his chest. His brain goes even quieter. “I listen to the doubts and pains of others and heal their minds and spirits. So, please, confess your troubles to me. Unburden yourself. I shall embrace you with my entire being.”

He feels like he's just floating aimlessly as he lets her do what she wants. Her hands wander his chest, and she expertly undoes the intricacies of his clothing. Their cups of tea are quickly forgotten—Merlin didn’t even realize that she already set them aside. She pushes him gently on his back, his upper body already bare. She has taken them off far too fast.

She straddles him, her hands still wandering his bare chest. She had the same smile that she always had as she looked down on him. Meanwhile, his mind and body felt light. He's not a stranger to feeling like an outsider, but it’s the first time in his entire life to feel like an outsider even in his own body.

“Did you feel disliked for being different?” Her melodic voice worms itself inside his ears. “Mmm, that’s right… I think I remember witnessing an instance where someone threw quips at you. ‘ _As always, it’s Merlin’s fault_ ’ has become kind of a popular joke around here, hasn’t it?”

“Mmm…” He can’t seem to articulate words as fast as he usually can. Her hands are slithering downwards. She palms him through his clothes. He gets the idea that maybe he should push her off, but he doesn’t. “It’s not so bad.”

“Yes… You just laugh it all off, don’t you? Everything is just a funny joke. Even the ones that joke about you dying.” She presses a bit firmer. He closes his eyes. “Maybe you fail to pick up on some cues. You're not human, after all.”

“What cues?” She has started pulling off the remainder of his clothes. It’s not his first time to be naked in front of a woman, of course not, but right now, he just feels so exposed. Despite what he feels, it’s not enough to get him to spring up and go away. Somehow, it feels fine to be here.

“It’s probably too complicated to explain, so let me just say something else that’s just as true.” Her hands are playing with his cock, now obscured by nothing. Her skin is soft, and her fingers are delicate. He can’t help but want to stay. “If anyone makes a quip like that directed to King Arthur, I'm sure that the Knights of the Round Table will immediately be ready for battle.”

“Of course...” He sighs as she tightens her grip around his cock. “They’ll do anything for their king.”

She giggles. “Do you believe so?”

“No doubt about it.”

“It doesn’t even have to be the king they knew. They’ll defend everyone who has her face and her name. They’ll do it even for that King Arthur from another world, and they didn’t even know him in life.” Her hand starts jerking him off. He lets out another sigh. “I wonder why they won’t do it for you when it’s you they knew.”

“Aha… Well, the king is the king, after all.”

“A bit unfair, no?”

“How so?”

“Well…” She dips down. Her face is inches away from his. “You're the king’s mentor. She wouldn’t be where she is if it weren’t for you.”

His mind feels like air. Her breath is warm against his ear.

“The same can be said about the knights…” Kiara continues to speak. He feels his cock against her entrance. She sets herself down, and he opens his eyes to look at her as his cock slips inside smoothly. She tosses her veil aside, and her hair really was just like what he saw in his dream. They rest on her shoulders, to her back, and to his body. They both groan when she takes him deeper inside him. “…Ah. Every single one of them. They owe you.”

He didn’t know what to say. His mind won’t come up with anything.

“Does it feel good?” She chuckles. “Please, allow yourself to drown, to indulge in the pleasures of my body all you like… This is how it should be for an incubus, right?”

She takes one of his hands and places it on her chest. His hand started to wander even when he didn’t think about it. Her breasts were soft and nice to touch. He couldn’t register anything but their softness in his hands, the ticklishness from her hair, the warmth from being inside her.

“Master told me you ate dreams. Emotions.”

“Mmm…” So numb. His mind is so numb. “That’s right.”

“That’s strange, isn’t it? That’s not what I read about incubi.” She chuckles and rocks her hips. She happily moans. “Shouldn’t an incubus feast on something like this instead?”

That’s true. It _is_ strange. His mind still won’t seem to let him formulate anything smart, though, so he just chuckles and lets out a noncommittal sound of agreement. She rocks her hips faster. Each movement feels like the slightest hint of electricity traveling straight to his mind. Her breasts press against his own chest, his hands transferring to rest on her hips.

“See, you're even being too gentle with me. Shouldn’t an incubus take whatever he wants to take without looking back?” She presses their lips together. “You don’t have to conform to human standards. They should be the one conforming to you.”

After a mere press of lips, it was all tongue afterwards. Her emotions tasted a bit overwhelming. It was like a flower whose scent can overpower an entire room of other flowers despite remaining solitary. And despite seeing every flower that the room has to offer, it’s this flower whose scent one shall seek and remember.

His hands travel from her waist to her cheeks. He cups her face firmly as they kiss. Their tongues entwine until he doesn’t know whose spit is whose. Their hips are moving just as intensely, and their kisses are only interrupted by the occasional moans from themselves, only to resume straight away.

“Take control.” She whispers. He shivers. “Show me how an incubus does it.”

It’s not like him to be rough. He thinks he's overall a gentle person, actually. But he finds himself turning their positions over while grabbing her with a strength he doesn’t usually use. Despite his fingers leaving subtle marks on her arms due to how tightly he grabbed her, all she did was moan and laugh.

“Yes, yes! That’s more like it. Give me more.”

She just laughs.

Even as he thrusts inside as hard as he could, even as he hits the deepest part of her, even as he litters bites all over her neck, she just laughs. She even wraps her legs around his hips to pull him even closer than they already are and delivers bites of her own to his skin. They make each other bleed, and she just laughs.

“Ahh, inside me. Hurry.” Her nails dig on his back. “Lose yourself in this pleasure…”

He's not thinking of anything. His body is just moving on its own. Her body feels made for this. It’s receiving his every action with no resistance at all. Even if her nails are making his back bleed, he can’t seem to register any pain. All he could do is thrust and thrust and drown in her moans.

When he finishes, she makes sure he does it inside her by grabbing him with her legs even firmer. She laces her arms around his neck and initiates another kiss.

And at that moment, despite being the incubus, he feels like he's the one getting absorbed.

\--

When Merlin is with Kiara, his mind just feels quiet. He feels like how he does when he naps in the fields of Avalon—light, floaty, relaxed.

“Do you really consume dreams?” She asks one time. She was playing with his hair as he rests his head on her lap. “Or is it another attempt to be more… palatable to humans?”

He chuckles. “I _do_ consume dreams.”

“What dreams do you prefer?”

“Mmm, bad dreams are more nutritious.”

She giggles. “I wouldn’t have expected that.”

“Why not?”

“Well, as someone who finds bad dreams more nutritious, how come you're helping humanity move towards a good dream?”

“Hm? It’s not because I'm acting in their interest or anything. It’s just because it’s the kind of thing that I want to witness.”

“Mmm, yes, I understand. What I'm saying is it’s strange, isn’t it? Why would you want to see something like that?” She stops caressing his hair. It felt cold when she did. “That’s not something I expect from an inhuman who acknowledges that bad dreams are better. If you wanted to, you can give humanity a bad dream, right?”

He initiates a kiss. “…Yeah, if I wanted to.”

\--

“That’s the one you like, don’t you?” Kiara casually observes.

Bedivere is at the end of the hall. He's talking about something with Arthur, an excited yet polite smile on his face. He didn’t know that he was being watched—such is just how it is with humans. They tend to be unaware when he watches them too with clairvoyance. It’s usually gods or goddesses who can get clued in.

“Mmm? The one I like?”

“Yes. I would know. We’ve bonded quite a lot, haven’t we?” Kiara hums. “Well, why don’t you pursue him? I'm sure you're more than capable enough to make him pass out in pleasure.”

“Haha. I don’t think he's into things like that.”

“Does it really matter what he's into?” Kiara giggles. “Well, even assuming that it does, you can make him want it. It’s not like you're a stranger to such a thing, aren’t you?”

“Hm? What do you mean?”

“Oh. You know. I heard about how you assisted King Arthur’s father. You helped him pretend that he's the husband of King Arthur’s mother, therefore, King Arthur was able to be conceived.” She smiles. “See… Camelot really wouldn’t be anything without you.”

“Hmmm.”

“Ah, I envy you. Consuming and tasting the feelings of someone I fancy sound so good.” She hums. “Oh, the things I’d do if I had that ability. I’ll be sure to taste every single emotion that there is. It will be like an all-you-can-eat buffet. But then again, if bad dreams give the most nutrition, then maybe you'd prefer bad emotions too, hm?”

She leaves him alone with his thoughts. The only thing he can do is watch Bedivere who remains engaged in his conversation with the king, all the while unaware of Merlin’s presence.

\--

That night, Merlin dreams of Bedivere returning the sword to the lake again.

Except, this time, he pulls Bedivere down with him to the lake.

He kisses Bedivere as the latter struggles to breathe.

\--

“Merlin, please join us.” Bedivere approaches him as soon as he enters the cafeteria. He has that sickeningly polite smile on his face like always. Merlin knows that they are all gathered here once again in a table like a bunch of villagers who have nothing better to do. “The king is really impressive at shuffling cards. We’re playing some card games now. Maybe you’d like to try.”

“Hm?” Merlin looks at the table occupied by the knights and various versions of Arturia. Today, the ones with them are the Ruler-class Arturia, the king from another world, and Arturia herself. Like the usual, too, it’s just the kings who are far too engaged in the competition. The knights are just there to indulge them like they always do. “What are you playing?”

“It’s just a game of Blackjack. The Ruler king serves as the dealer while everyone bets some chips with corresponding values. Are you interested?”

He looks at Bedivere’s warm smile. Bedivere doesn’t really look like he expects to hear a no despite his polite invitation. After all, there's no reason for Merlin to refuse. These are his fellow members of the Round Table and three versions of the king he served. He gets the brief thought that Bedivere would probably make a funny surprised face if he refuses, but he shakes the thought off.

“Mmm, sure thing. I can play along.”

“Ah, that’s good! Everyone will be overjoyed.” Bedivere’s smile turns contented. “To be honest, I was a bit worried because you haven’t had a lot of opportunities to spend time with us. The king always wants to invite you, but it’s a bit hard to find you recently. Master really likes relying on you, huh?”

Merlin hums. “If only you paid more attention, you'll know that it’s not Master I’ve been with recently.”

“O-Oh, um—’

Whatever Bedivere has to say dies down because they already reached the table. Everyone greets the two of them, Merlin especially since it _is_ true that he hasn’t been spending a lot of time with them these days. Even if Bedivere returned everyone’s greetings and smiles, Merlin can still see his worry and discomfort from their brief exchange.

It was new. He never elicited that kind of response from Bedivere before. He feels something warm and tickly in his chest the more he thinks about it.

“Will you play a round, Merlin?” Ruler Arturia asks.

He nods. “Why not?”

“You'll have to purchase some chips using QP. Master only loaned us the chips.”

“Ahaha. Really? With how much I help Master earn QP, you'd think that I’d be exempted from paying for anything when I as much dare to take a rest.” Merlin sits in between Arthur and Arturia. “But, oh, well. I guess I don’t have a choice.”

He really didn’t think that discomfort would be such a good look on Bedivere’s face.

With his agreement to pay QP for this charade, Ruler Arturia starts including him in the game. She hands two cards each to him, Arturia, and Arthur. Afterwards, she places two cards in front of herself, too, with one card face-up. He uses his clairvoyance to see that her two cards are the four of diamonds and the king of clubs.

Merlin’s cards are the nine of diamonds and the five of clubs. Arthur’s are the six of hearts and the ace of clubs. Arturia’s are the ten of clubs and the ten of spades. She's definitely winning this if none of them get exceptionally lucky.

“You can double your wager after the initial hand. You can also choose to fold and get half of your wager.” Ruler Arturia explains. “They're house rules we decided.”

“Mmm, yes, I know.”

Judging from the direction of their play and the cards on the deck, Merlin will lose if he asks for another card. Arthur will most likely ask for a card himself and receive a king of spades. He will probably choose to stand with that, and Ruler Arturia will choose to receive an additional card herself. She will get the jack of clubs and lose, so it will be a match between Arthur and Arturia only. Of course, Arturia will win. It’s just how it is.

“I choose to fold, then.” Merlin says.

And what happens next is everything he expected to happen.

It’s absurd how predictable they all are. They truly are fortunate that Merlin never chose to betray them. He has memorized them to the littlest details. As a result, of course he wins the whole thing after a few rounds. He knows that a betrayal would lead to the same thing had he pushed through with one.

“You have to have been cheating.” Arturia says with a pout. “That’s right. You have been using clairvoyance, haven’t you?”

This absurd crowd seems to realize that that’s a possibility only now and treats Arturia’s proclamation as if it were something to be surprised about like they always do. Merlin just chuckles and nonchalantly waves a hand, his other hand playing with the chips that he has won.

“Aha, of course I was. But I fail to see why it’s cheating.” Merlin smiles. “It’s an ability that I was born with. It’s as natural to me as it is natural for you to use your eyes. It just so happened that I was less shortsighted than all of you. Is it cheating to be able to see?”

Ruler Arturia shakes her head. “It was a mistake to include someone who has clairvoyance.”

“Of course it was a mistake to include me.” Merlin gets up from his seat and leaves the chips on the table. “Well, luckily for all of you, I have no need for this. Feel free to compete for it.”

Bedivere still looked worried as Merlin walks away.

\--

Merlin looks for Kiara after that, but Master apparently took her for a quest.

\--

Merlin knew that Bedivere was worried, but he didn’t really expect that worry to amount to anything. After all, from what he knows about Bedivere, it’s most likely that he will choose to stay by his king and continue supporting whatever insipid game they choose to play.

That’s why, when Bedivere knocks in his room, he was actually in all honesty surprised.

There was Bedivere on the other side of his door, an entertaining mess of worry and nervousness. He looks like he was hesitating even until the moment Merlin opened his door. Despite everything, he meets Merlin’s eyes. That fits. That’s always been how Bedivere is. Despite his trepidation, he always keeps going.

“Hello, Sir Bedivere. How may I help you?”

He looks like he wants to back out. “M-Merlin. Hello. Can we talk?”

“Of course. Would you like to come in?”

He hesitates for a bit. Ultimately, he decides to come inside. Merlin locks the door behind him when he does. “Well, don’t worry about being formal. Sit wherever you like. Of course, your only choice is my bed, so hopefully, that’s not a problem for you.”

“Ah, no, it’s fine… I'm okay with standing.”

“Mmm, I insist. Come sit here with me.” Merlin plops down on his bed and pats the spot beside him. “So what brings you here?”

“I think… I think you're being a bit strange recently, Merlin.” Bedivere looks at the spot that Merlin patted but he stays where he is. “Not only has your presence been incredibly scarce, but… well, I was really surprised with your behavior earlier.”

“Sit with me.”

Bedivere looked surprised. That was satisfying to see. Even if he was surprised, he chooses to follow the order. He sits on Merlin’s bed on the spot right next to Merlin. Merlin can study him much closer like this. His worry, his prim way of carrying himself, the subtle but evident crease of his eyebrows…

“Now we can talk.”

“Yes… As I was saying… I was really surprised with how you acted earlier. Normally, I’d take offense if anyone talked to the king the way you did, but if it’s you, instead, I'm just worried. Did you and the king have a disagreement recently?”

“Mmm? The way I did? What's wrong with the way I talked earlier?”

“I… I don’t know. You seemed really vindictive. It’s just not like you at all.”

“Vindictive? Me? Mmm, that’s odd. I was acting exactly like I always did.”

“Not at all. You called the kings shortsighted—”

“Ah? Hahaha, oh, Bedivere. I did not.” Merlin shakes his head. “I said that I was less shortsighted than them. There's a difference.”

“It’s still not something you would usually say!”

“Look at you getting so worked up.”

Bedivere had his guard down. He wasn’t able to react when Merlin pushes him down to the bed. Shock flashes on his eyes as his back makes contact with the mattress, but it was replaced by confusion and concern right away. Even when Merlin has him pinned down, even when Merlin is hovering above him, it’s confusion that he decides to wear. There's something about that that dissatisfies Merlin.

“Well, don’t worry so much about that. Let’s talk about something else.”

“No… It’s the reason why I came here. I'm worried, Merlin. Being together with my fellow members of the Round Table once again like this is a dream come true for me. I don’t want to standby doing nothing if there really are disagreements. I don’t want a repeat of last time where everything had to go awry because no one bothered to address anything until it has gotten so bad. Can you please tell me what's wrong?”

Merlin caresses his face. Bedivere just holds his gaze sadly. In a situation like this, he imagined that Bedivere would have a shy yet at peace expression. He finds it frustrating that he can’t see that face right now. But at that moment, he recalls Kiara Sessyoin’s words. He can clearly hear her silky melodic voice in his ears as if she were truly here.

_If bad dreams give the most nutrition, then maybe you'd prefer bad emotions too, hm?_

He continues caressing Bedivere’s face. His thumb caresses Bedivere’s cheek, and it slowly travels to his lower lip. Even as Merlin’s touch goes firmer, to the point that he's pressing against his lip roughly and forcing his mouth open, his expression didn’t change. It remained a wistful expression that Merlin couldn’t really fully understand.

Bedivere closes his eyes when Merlin presses their lips together. Merlin starts the kiss slowly, but it didn’t take long before he picks up his pace. He deepens the kiss until he feels that they're both suffocating, until it was impossible to get even closer. He takes his tongue inside Bedivere’s mouth and tastes everything that he could. He only stops when he feels Bedivere placing a hand on his chest and very lightly pushing him back.

He pulls away just a bit.

He sees that Bedivere is crying.

His cheeks are red, and there are tears on the corner of his eyes. The sight sends a slightly painful heat in his chest, but he ignores it. Instead, he focuses on the part of himself that says he wants to see more of this. That part of himself feels something pleasurable near his groin. He finds it better to focus on that than whatever was painful in his chest.

“Why are you crying?”

“Why did you kiss me?”

“Why not?”

Bedivere’s hand roughly wipes his own tears away, but more tears just come. “It doesn’t mean anything to you. You're just playing around so that I will stop asking you about the king.”

“Mmm, maybe.”

“Why? Why do you have to do things like this? I just want to understand you… Even now, that’s all I want to do.”

“Really now? Isn’t it just because you want to confront me since I disrespected your beloved king?”

“No.” Bedivere furiously wipes away his tears. “Are you serious right now?”

“Mmm, you're beautiful even when you cry.”

“That’s so awful to say. Merlin, please. I just want to communicate with you honestly.”

“What makes you think I'm not being honest?”

“This isn’t how you usually are.”

“How do you know that how I usually am isn’t the dishonest version of myself?”

“I’ve known you most of my life. Even when I lived longer than I should, it was you who were there. And now, for my second life, you're here again. I can’t possibly believe that that was all pretense…”

“Maybe to you that was a long time. Don’t forget that I'm inhuman. Even your extended life is nothing but a blink of an eye to me.”

“I see.” He does his best to muffle his sob. “That hurts to hear, but I refuse to believe it… You’ve always been so kind. You’ve done so much for me and everyone.”

“I’ve never once acted in your interest. I’ve only done what I wanted.”

He closes his eyes. Merlin idly touches his tears which run to his cheeks. “I don’t know why you're doing this. I don’t know why you're trying so hard to upset me.”

“I want to see all sides of you. I’ve seen you smile enough. It’s time for me to see you cry.”

Bedivere just looks hurt. “Do you enjoy my pain, Merlin?”

“Maybe.”

Merlin presses their lips together again. He doesn’t waste time faking a gentle kiss even in the beginning. This time, he rushes straight to hungrily kissing Bedivere. His hands keep Bedivere’s face in place. His tears get into Merlin’s palms, and Merlin can also feel them on his own cheeks when they touch. He moves his kisses to Bedivere’s neck, sucking as hard as he can. Bedivere lets out a moan that he obviously tried to suppress. Merlin couldn’t help but chuckle against him.

“Why aren’t you pushing me back?”

“As I said, I want to understand you.” Bedivere’s breathing is ragged as Merlin continues to suck on his neck. “And if I have to be in pain and cry while I try to do that, then that’s the price that I’ll have to pay.”

“Ahh… You're really something else. I think I get it.” Merlin yanks off Bedivere’s pants quite harshly. “Let me guess. One of your kings told you to find out what's wrong with me. That’s the reason why you're so adamant, right?”

“No.” He looked like he wanted to cover himself but was immediately distracted by Merlin’s words. “Is that… Is that how you view me? You really think I'm only capable of caring about one person?”

“Well. Sometimes, you act like that’s really the case with you.”

“What did I do to make you feel that way?”

Merlin chuckles. “It doesn’t matter.”

He starts slipping a finger inside Bedivere. Luckily, due to how often he does such activities with Kiara, the bottle of liquid that he uses to make these things easier is easily within reach. Bedivere who was distracted by their conversation until now gasps. His cheeks are even redder than before. His eyes are still glistening from crying, but his embarrassment has completely overwritten his earlier expression of pain.

“I really care about you and the others… I mean it…”

Merlin just hums as he slips his finger deeper inside him. Bedivere closes his eyes and bites his lower lip. Merlin can’t help but chuckle. “If the king told you not to come after me, I'm sure you wouldn’t.”

“Why do you view me this way…”

“Why, it’s true.”

Bedivere looks straight to his eyes. “It’s not…”

He just wants to make Bedivere cry. He slips another finger and starts thrusting faster. Predictably, Bedivere closes his eyes again. It was far too easy to make him moan. He's still crying a bit, and Merlin doesn’t know if it’s him being overwhelmed or if these are remnants from his reaction to Merlin’s hurtful words.

“You enjoy this too much.” Merlin chuckles. He searches his body for that part that will make him scream in pleasure. “I never took you for someone so easy.”

“That’s not it…”

“You'll do this for anyone who can make you feel good, won’t you?”

“No… I already told you that I'm enduring this because I want to understand you.” Bedivere restrains a sob again. “I know you just want to make me cry… I don’t understand why you would want something like that, but I’ll endure this. I believe that you're not this hurtful.”

“Mmm. So you say.” Bedivere stifles a moan when Merlin hits a certain spot. Merlin simply chuckles and keeps touching that part. “Let’s see how much you can endure, then.”

Bedivere visibly steels himself. Merlin just finds it funny. His resolve gets replaced by pure pleasure the more Merlin hit that certain place. Merlin doesn’t stop thrusting his fingers inside even as Bedivere climaxes. He lets out pathetic whines as a result, his thighs trembling, as he weakly tries to get Merlin to pause. The most his weak hand is able to do is just place itself on Merlin’s shoulder.

“Mmm… You look so pathetic, Bedivere. I find it difficult to respect you as a knight like this.”

Bedivere keeps his eyes closed, sweat pooling on his forehead.

“That makes sense. You’ve always been the worst knight.” Merlin pulls out his fingers, and Bedivere opens his eyes. That made it easier to read the pain in them. Another tear escapes his eyes, and Merlin too eagerly watches. “You never deserved to be in the Round Table.”

Bedivere doesn’t say anything. He remains quiet, only the muted sniffs can be heard from him.

“No response? Did I hit your limit too early?” Merlin pulls down his own pants and starts stroking himself. He sighs in pleasure quite exaggeratedly. “My bad. I should have saved that for later so that you could have lasted longer.”

“…I can put up with more. It’s not your words that I'm mourning.”

“Mmm?” Merlin presses himself against his entrance. Bedivere avoids his eyes. Another tear rolls to his cheek once again when Merlin thrusts inside. “You feel so good. Had I known, I’d have done this a long time ago.”

Bedivere turns his head aside. Merlin just treats that as an invitation to kiss and bite his neck. Neither of them say anything for a while. Merlin focused on leaving marks on his skin while thrusting inside him with a steady pace. Bedivere focused on keeping his breathing consistent while failing to obscure his sobs. Merlin doesn’t really know why he still tries. It’s evident that his tears haven’t ceased, after all.

“What are you crying about? If you hate it so much, push me away. Or is your pride keeping you here?” Merlin chuckles. He starts to pick up his pace. “It’s embarrassing to leave after proclaiming so proudly that you can endure this, after all.”

“…I'm crying because I didn’t want our first time together to be like this.”

Like how it is when he's with Kiara Sessyoin, his brain numbs that moment.

Except this felt a bit different.

With her, it was like being intoxicated, with his body moving on its own.

Right now, it was like being hit on the head with a blunt object, and he couldn’t do anything but pass out.

“…What did you say?”

Bedivere shakes his head. “Forget it...”

He holds Bedivere’s thighs firmer and picks up his pace again. He thrusts as hard as he can, earning himself a moan. He couldn’t really tell if it was out of pain or pleasure.

“Say it again.”

His tears, his blushing cheeks, his nose that has gone a bit red itself due to crying, his furrowed eyebrows… Merlin wants to drink all of them in. His movements have gotten messy unlike how he would do it usually. His fingers are leaving marks all over Bedivere’s thighs and legs. Even so, Bedivere still won’t say anything.

“Just say it.”

But the only thing coming from his lips are moans.

Bedivere cums for the second time. He tightens up, and Merlin follows suit. He rests on Bedivere’s body, his face on the crook of Bedivere’s neck, as he whispers the same thing again and again. “…Please say it.”

Bedivere has stopped crying, but his eyes are still glistening, and his cheeks are still wet.

He shakes his head.

\--

Bedivere sighs.

It’s been a few days since his encounter with Merlin, and they haven’t really talked since then. Even so, every single detail keeps replaying in his mind. Every word, both from Merlin and himself, keeps repeating in his ears. Every hurtful blow keeps inflicting a new wound in his heart.

He said he’d endure, and he did. But he can’t seem to bring himself to approach Merlin again. At least, not so soon.

And that’s odd. Because he really did—still does—want to reach an understanding with Merlin.

He lets out another sigh.

“My, two sighs in a row. It sounds like your spirit is deeply bothered by something.” Bedivere hears a voice beside him. He immediately looks up. He didn’t realize that he was so absorbed in his thoughts that someone has already approached him without him noticing.

There was Kiara Sessyoin. She had a small although friendly smile on her face. Bedivere hasn’t really interacted with her before. The most that they have done together is occupy the same public space at the same time. Bedivere returns her smile, and he bows his head politely. “Ah, my apologies, my lady. I didn’t realize that you approached me.”

“Oh, no, pay it no mind.” She giggles. “In fact, I wanted to let you know that you can tell me about it. I know we haven’t talked before, but often, strangers give the most unbiased view, don’t they?”

“Oh, no, I’d be ashamed to trouble you with my concerns.”

“Please, I insist.” She gives his arm a gentle pat. “I may now be a Servant, but I was once a nun that offered respite to lost and tired souls. You can rely on me.”

He didn’t really want to tell anyone because he didn’t even know how to talk about whatever this situation was.

But at that moment, for the first time in days, his anxious mind quiets down.

He obeys Kiara who motions for him to follow.

**Author's Note:**

> Next prompt is Impact Play (spanking/caning/whipping/etc) so come back if you're into that :)


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